I’ve had a lot of time to think about this subject, more time maybe than necessary. I am curious though on what the right reaction should be. I realized while speaking to someone the other day, that I felt rejected about a particular topic, hung up, and realized I didn’t need to feel that way. That how I reacted just seemed par for the course, as in that was the way I always reacted. But should I? I called my friend back to explain myself, and realized that I didn’t want to react that way, had no reason too, and was working on changing me, on small step at a time. My friend acknowledged appreciation for calling back and expressing my feelings.
This is the latest quandary that I find myself in, examining my own reactions and trying to understand the spin I put on circumstances. I haven’t gotten to the point about whether or not I should ask others what they think, or a professional, or a stranger…. I am just trying to understand myself. Who else takes the time to think like this??? The only reason that I have, is that I have had poor behaviors that I don’t like and this is one of them. It steals my inner peace, my joy, my satisfaction of life when I react to a situation with the feeling of rejection. My mood changes, my outlook changes, I wonder why I got rejected in the first place, my mind wanders and then I’m off in another direction.
I’m glad that I called my friend back, to realize my error and try to fix it then was truly a big step. Intentional friendships have been a focus, and a part of that is showing, or exposing the real me, the good, the bad and sometimes the ugly. And to have a friend that accepts that is priceless.
I expressed that I felt rejected, but in that instance, I shouldn’t have, I made a decision, that was in error, and I was about to run with it. It was a small victory for me, pleased that I acknowledged what I was feeling, and that I made a conscious effort to make a change, to decide to review my decision almost like instant replay. I wasn’t happy with my own analysis, and I needed to change course, change direction, make some new choices on how I was going to live life. Why couldn’t I just let it be, rather than take it as rejection?
Acceptance on the other hand, does give me peace, but my question cuts further inside. Why do I need to receive acceptance, why not just exist, without placing hurt or happiness? I should be happy with seeking acceptance or rejection of others, why is there so much emphasis there one way or the other? Maybe you are asking yourself what is the big deal here, and you could be right. I would probably say ” walk 50 feet ” in my shoes and maybe you’ll understand why.
It comes down to how much do I want to spend on this self-reflection. It has been helpful though to examine the difficult circumstances and evaluate my reactions, and then do a quick inventory on my feelings and then re-evaluate direction. Maybe that is too much, too complex, too much info to review at once. Maybe it is. For me though, I am more purposeful in trying to change my old habits. They have gotten me this far, and yet I want so much more. Not mediocrity, not status quo, not the same-o. I want a new course, a new direction where I am not affected by rejection and then seek acceptance, for all the wrong reasons. I deserve to have a better life, and I understand that has in large part to do with me. I’m not saying its all up to me, but I do have free will, and choices to make. I have been on quite a journey, examining what brought me here, and realizing I have some messed up thinking. I think we all do, if we were honest, How was I raised, who taught me these things, how to respond, how not to respond, where did it all come from. I’m not examining to that extreme, childhood per say, but it is worth looking at to set a new course. Many of us do this with our new year resolutions, what will I change about me……I’d ask, ” how’s that working out for you at the moment?” We are each on our own journey. It’s up to me, to make choices in mine, and I’m the only one who can do that.
Of course I want to be accepted in principle. I think we as humans seek that, to be admired, to be liked, loved, etc. But to place our state of happiness in all that, is just too short-sighted. Do we live our lives based on our feelings, our fickle feelings, that are mired by circumstances, or do we base our life on truth. I have a friend that says,”everything will work out” and that seems to be an easy way to put it, but “work out according to whom”??? It’s not working out now, so how do I explain that?
I want a more stable outlook, and not put a + or a – on a situation. How I react is important, what I feel is important, what I feel inside is important, how others feel about me is less important, because my value doesn’t come from them, it comes from something greater than me, and my circumstances. I’m just trying to figure out how to move forward, without constantly looking back.