Ainomae String Quartet 

I listen to the subtle beat of tango music by Astor Piazolla’s Oblivion, for a luncheon celebration that I am attending. How sweet the tempo and rhythm are. Not often do I hear tango music and there are no dancers on the floor. 



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New book instead of chapter(s)

I’ve decided to stop writing chapters in the old book and decided that it was time to write a new chapter, new book, with new determination that life ahead of me is better than what I am leaving behind.   We all have those chapters, and I read recently that I needed to stop turning the same old pages before I could really move forward.   That was   tough position to be in, holding onto what was, because there were some great times, and there were really shitty ones too. All too frequently I kept turning back to the old pages to see if there was something I was missing, maybe I overlooked something, maybe there was hope, a possibility??  But to be fair to the future, I can’t be looking forward if I am constantly looking behind me.  I need to press on, press forward, anticipate new beginnings.

I had been doing some exploration in some relationships to see if there was potential, did we have the same goals, vision for life, what about children, faith, love.  Where do you see yourself in 5 years, where are you willing to move to?  Do you vote, love music, travel? What are your dreams, ambitions.  Subtle questions in conversation and all at once it seemed, all the doors closed. I’m not angry or bitter, but thankful that I can move forward because I’m an investor. I invest in time. I make time for those that are important to me.  It was a good learning experience, because I realized that the one I need , needs to have the same ambition in many areas that I do.  Opposites attract, but similarities make for good partners. I’m not suggesting that it’s just how I fee, but what we can compromise on, especially on what is important; love, faith, future.  The little things, favorite foods, politics, sports, are all negligible. I still have areas that I want to improve in my own world, but I am willing, now more than ever to open that up to what lies ahead.

Hope Eternal

What makes us search for that true love? What is it in our soul that yearns for a life partner? I know that God’s love for me is eternal, and His presence is real in my life, but I am still searching. On a recent trip I realized that my search continues. I didn’t have a mission in mind but I was looking for answers and they came about in the most unusual of ways. Unusual in that with how the time was spent for me, asking a lot of questions, not directly, but indirectly. It was as if the Spirit was directing my steps and it wasn’t obvious to me at the start but certainly became clear in the end. How grateful I am to know the truth and how the truth has set me free.

I try to be more sensitive to the Spirit in relation to what I do, and I feel I have more work to be done. I have not reached my destination but I am on my way….

Charting a new direction

New chapter or new book

I viewed a Facebook picture that essentially read “sometimes you just need to close the book rather than keep reading the pages.”

How many times am I going to start a new chapter in a book that I should just close and move on to a new book. It’s a concept that I am acting upon rather than waiting to see what happens next or what the next chapter will be.

This book represents my life and the journey that I am on, with all it’s interesting twists and turns not always easy. Relationships require work, some more than others, and the choices I make then place that relationship on a scale, if you will. The more I invest, the more return that I expect.

Is that fair though? I contend that this is actually a mutual decision not always revealed or discussed and therefore it’s easy to be misdirected or even unintentionally hurt.

I’m certainly not a master with relationships, and certainly not insightful, but I have had many experiences that I have tried to learn from.

My new direction, my new book, my life walk, has new purpose. I learned some principles recently that really caused me to think about what do I need to change about myself. What new choices, decisions do I need make moving forward? I have been glancing back at what was, wondering whether a particular situation still had hope. I have decided that I needed to fully close that book and stop writing new chapters or have hope and anticipation while seeing that many attributes had not changed. This was a decision that didn’t come under duress but rather “why did it take so long for me to come to this decision ?”

I’m a hopeful person, taking Jeremiah 29:11, kind of hope to heart. So with a new hope of something better to come, I have excitement that is growing that my future is bright with much to anticipate.

I’m not able to adequately examine the lives around me. I have too much to focus on my life and I recognize that I need to make some practical changes, life changes, mind and physical changes. Spiritual changes too.

So this is why that I have shared these thoughts. Recognizing that I have been reading in the same book too long, re-reading pages of my past, writing new chapters without fully considering the time that is being absorbed and being wasted on a wish, not even including a practical prayer. Hopefully these thoughts have helped you examine where you are too.

It’s time for me to come back to earth and refocus on what is before me, not behind me.

SAMs can’t stomp out hunger

I couldn’t believe what I saw, right in front of me, without any consideration, was this man who was salvaging food from the garbage. Unused food, in the garbage, at the airport.

I guess I sat in awe of him, and I already made a judgement call, but I did so without asking his input. In fact this could be way different than what my initial thought is.

This now causes me to to think about the reasons that I have decided a negative thought rather than offering hope, or praise. Perhaps it should be me that should be going through the trash, searching for food, and feeding the homeless.

That was my first thought, there are people in need of that food and maybe he was searching the food out for that very reason. I guess I am skeptical cause he acted like he was hiding the food when he picked it out, placed in his cart, put bags over it, and then placed it in another bag and moved on to the next receptacle.

Actually this spurs me on a thought that why isn’t there bins to collect unopened food for the homeless at every gate before security in airports.

It’s probably the same dilemma that is faced, like at Sam’s Club when I learned recently that as an entity, they are unable to give returned food to the needy, they have to destroy it. It could be an unopened can of beans, tuna, bottle of water, crackers, etc.

The same disastrous results that many businesses apparently come to when it comes to perfectly good food thrown away. The result of food being destroyed.

I don’t understand why this is an acceptable practice. I understand the propaganda behind it “we don’t know what happened to it when it left here” yada, yada. It’s a shame that more isn’t done to help the homeless, the needy, the hungry, especially from the ones that have good to spare. I just don’t agree with the why, says the little guy!

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A personal inventory

When do we take the time to do a personal inventory. That inventory of what direction is my life going, am I satisfied with where I am presently or is there something missing?

My life, does it have purpose, meaning. What will my legacy be. What are my proudest moments and what are the saddest moments from which I have learned from?

I have lots of experiences that ended painfully. Failed marriages, not creating a family that I could call my own. Not having children. Not being better prepared for my retirement. Not taking better care of myself, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

These are the things that I have been thinking about recently. That I still have time to change my personal direction is a blessing. That God is with me, is even more critical in my way of looking at my life. My journey has been incredible and sure there are things that I wish would have been different, but God knew every step that I would take. My journey has been incredible and quite the adventure. The best is yet to come.

As odd as it seems I even thought about the kind of information that I should prepare for emergencies. You know, the crisis kit. The information for emergencies. Who is my Dr.? What’s his phone number, where are my extra keys to my car, home. Where is my PO Box location and spare key. What are the passwords to my online accts, etc.

What will happen if there is an emergency and I mentally don’t have the ability to remember, who will know what I have and where is it all located. What’s in my apartment. Who are my roommates names and their phone numbers. Since I am single and not connected to anyone, what are the steps I can share and use to protect myself.

In my work, my colleagues just discussed having a procedural process in writing for our events and tasks. That is where I am. We have several events run by people, but what happens if someone leaves, someone quits, someone moves on without having these procedures in place. We have faced these exact issues recently and it’s been a struggle. Because those that know didn’t share all they knew in writing, creating a procedures manual. Perhaps not in defiance but in casual negligent thinking that they would always be around to run these programs and events. Not just a backdating guide, but an inventory and category of steps of what needs to be done.

So this brings me back to my personal inventory and my crisis kit. Jeremiah 29:11, I know the plans I have for you declares The Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.

I have a great future before me! I have responsibilities though of setting up what my personal plans and procedures in writing. What have I written down? What will I be doing next? Honestly what I have determined to do I have in my head but have not written it down lately.

This is what I need to do. I need to put this down for my own good and to help me, help others, when I may not be able to help myself. This isn’t just about me, though it may seem like it, this is about my family and a way to communicate with them when I may not be able to do so. I have a written will and that’s important, even though I don’t have a spouse or children, but this is about the fundamental, practical pieces of information should something tragically happen to me.

This isn’t a prophecy of what is to come, this is a realization of what I have seen in the world recently, tragic death, accidents, the passing of a loved one. Were they prepared for that? I don’t know. I have traveled a lot recently, but have not left many details. It’s like the hikers and campers that are supposed to leave trip details of trails and points they will be at, or the pilot that leaves a travel plan. What plans/ details have you left?

What direction will I go and what have I left or communicated with my close family or friends on what happens next? As of this moment not much but it is up to me to change that.

walk away or try harder

How do you decide when to walk away or try harder? It’s a question that I have pondered recently as I reflect on my past, consider my present, and contemplate my future. I have had many months of reflection, giving consideration to what has happened, what my role was/is, and what if anything needs to change next time.

I think there is a parental comment with the above, on try harder….if you don’t at first succeed, try, try, again. Isn’t that the line? Try again! With so much on the line on this journey called life, where did I learn that it was okay to walk away? I certainly didn’t gain that perspective from my father who left home at 17, traveled to another continent across the ocean, was bombed by both the axis and the allies during WW2 and lived to tell about it, and then live a long, fruitful, life. His example should have encouraged me to try harder.

I did try harder in many areas, and happy to have succeeded in several areas, but like most people I have regrets. Regrets for not trying harder in several areas. For me, these areas were relationships. I have recently been studying why I did things, to only learn that I made mistakes, based on error in judgement, or really how to live life fully and properly, with no regrets. I suppose there will always be some sort of regret, but I have really worked at self reflection, and discover what it is within me that led me down those paths. It’s been a rewarding experience, though many of the lessons I wish I had learned sooner. Ask more questions, risk more, share more, say what I think, more often, don’t settle for less, have more faith.

It has not been an easy road, and while I am more satisfied with life in general, with a lot of hope, anticipation, expectancy, I realize my life is missing some significant pieces. A loving relationship, my own family, a greater purpose. Don’t get me wrong, my journey has been filled with some incredible moments, wonderful opportunities and experiences, and I’m not sure that I would change anything, because all of those experiences have made me who I am today, and had I not gone through those things, I wouldn’t be where I am physically and mentally today.

I just have a greater hope of what will take place, what is to come, what is around the next corner. I have this, because of my faith, and because I recognize the change that is within me. I have a greater resolve to try harder next time, when my past would have said…..walk away.

CMA Fest 2014

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Very few genres of music offer the opportunity that country music does in the aspect of access to the artists like the CMA Fest. I’m fortunate that I was able to attend this year and I am hooked. I’ll be back next year in different seats, closer to the stars, the human kind. This year I feel I’m pretty close to the celestial stars, lol. I’m not complaining, it’s been great so far.

If you have a chance to attend it would be worth the visit!

Taking more time

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I have determined to no longer be in a rush. As a traveler I usually zip from one location to another but I am working to change my life long habit of just racing from one point to another. It’s the little important things that are in the middle that I am trying to deal with, to stop and smell the roses sort of thing.

With life so busy and technology so instant, it’s easy to see why life speeds by. To understand why we want fast cars, faster internet, fast food, and everything else that is fast in between.

I wanted to slow down a bit today. It doesn’t mean that I am less regimented in the things I do, though that needs to be looked at too, but I am recognizing the soft still moments content in my times of being single.

Nature photography has been on the upswing for me. The ocean was good too. I took a walk down memory lane for me, and wow, what memories! From 30 years ago, visiting places, reuniting with friends I had not seen in a while.

I reflect on those good times and was happy to see some ling time friends in the process. As I continue to travel, I will continue to work on my need for speed and take it a bit slower.

It’s really over- when to stay, when to move on

I didn’t think that I would feel this way. I wrote yesterday about seeing goodbye in her eyes….. It wasn’t that I saw them, it was more about what I felt in my heart. To say I am at peace isn’t completely the case but it’s pretty close. To say that I am satisfied, I’m not, but I have accepted the situation enough to move forward. This alone is a tremendous step for me. Almost a milestone accomplishment.

When to stay or when to move on, is an issue of the heart and mind and both need to be of the same accord. It took a long time for my heart to catch up to my mind. All the questions of why me? How could it happen? What didn’t i do right? Only to realize, it wasn’t just me.

I share in the blame for sure, my own wrongs, failures, disappointments. But for her to fail to acknowledge her part, is unacceptable. It truly is time to move forward, with hope and a future before me. What next is before me and I will find the one who truly loves me the way that I should be loved.

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