Tag Archives: Dating

Dating Sucks!

That’s exactly what she said as we were sipping on beers at a recent “meet-up” at one of my favorite local pubs.  It was a sentiment that rang true for many around us. Of course the standard….”be yourself”….”don’t set any expectations”….”meet in public”… were all opinionated as truth.

It was a fun discussion. I stood up, and she said that her “date” would be two inches taller than me, and the tallest man she has dated. We all wished her well, and I have not yet seen her to ask her how it went.  Her thought though resonated with me a bit more than I expected.  Why is dating “suckish” and why do so many of us search out for that one true love on-line so quickly?

I have been participating in these “meet-ups” for some time and unofficially, its evaluating in person.  I have tried the plethora of dating sites, only to find out in person that the woman was not exactly as she appeared online.. To be honest, I have veered from some “indicators” of mine as well.  My question though still remains, why does this process have to be so crazy?  I don’t have the answer really, but I have enjoyed meeting plenty of people during these informal gatherings, celebrating a slice of life that many enjoy.

The “meet-ups” I have enjoyed have revolved around; happy hour, trivia, movies, theatre, food, craft beer, breweries, and soon hiking and biking.  All great locations to meet individuals in the flesh.  For the time being, I think I am taking a break from the “dating” side of life, and enjoying the moments, a little bit more. This way, I don’t have to worry if dating sucks.

X’s and Ohhhhs

My life has been turned upside down, sorta.  I have had to deal with ex’s and have found new meaning in ohhhhhs as in OMG.  I find myself in these unique circumstances and I’m not exactly sure how I got here. Does this sound confusing already??? Anyone who has had any kind of serious relationship knows what I am talking about when I say” I had to deal with the Ex again……”, because that scenario is like a merry-go-round in this journey called life.

My Ohhhhhhs have been of a different twist. As in OMG, on who I have met recently and trying to figure out what to do.  I’m not a “playa” by any stretch of the imagination, but I have found myself, in this quite large  city to be involved with individuals that are connected in a small circle of people.  I didn’t plan it that way, and I certainly didn’t hope that I would have to deal with what I have, but I have had to let two friends go, because I didn’t want to deal with pending drama.  My experiences with these ladies had been unique and quite different from each other in their likes, knowledge, education, outlook on life, and what they considered fun, and I was right there in the middle of it, trying to figure out which way was up, and which way should I go, because I really had no clue.  Neither of them fit my profile for a long-term relationship, I just wanted to enjoy the single life I find myself in, trying to manage my job, my budget, and my experiences.

In fact I review what my life has been, and I see failure, and rejection, and recently I found more interest and acceptance than what I have found in a long time, actually ever.  I think my turnaround has been the fact that I have pushed myself into situations that I was hesitant about following thru on, the rejection, and all the other feelings that are pushed out there.

I know everyone is different. I have friends that choose to view life through rose-colored glasses, rather than the pure light, and others that are focused on what was, rather than what is.  I faced some of that too, and I had to make a choice on what was my future to be.  I’m still unsure, and now even more so, since my ex has re-entered the picture.  Do you believe in 2nd chances, do you believe in Love at first sight, do you believe that everything happens for a reason, do you believe you can start over, do you believe…..

I struggle with my own emotions, having come so far, and now finding myself back in a familiar place that didn’t work before.  I have changed so much in what I do, believe, and feel, because I have had regrets.  I don’t want to leave an opportunity that I may regret later, for not finding out, not reaching out, not trying again.  Maybe I don’t make sense here, I’m just trying to express, the best way that I can, that I do want to enjoy life, live it abundantly, have purpose, and love live more fully. I’m looking forward to these next several months, because there is more around the next corner, I just need to be willing, to see it for what it really is, more than what I want it to be.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me match….

I haven’t thought about it until recently that we are surrounded by matchmakers.  Growing up I would get encouragement from my mom, or friends about who “I should go out with” or who I should see.  I’m trying to think how early that started, and I wonder, does it start earlier for girls than guys. I don’t wonder too hard about it though, these days I’m impressed when someone says they are a matchmaker.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch, Matchmaker, Matchmaker, look through your book, and make me a perfect match…….

Before all the crazy dating sites of today, there was someone in our corner, who was trying to be our matchmaker before we took it into our own hands.  You know the friends, who had your back and a few that didn’t care, there was always someone in your corner, in your ear, sending you messages, showing you the possibilities.  I rarely relied on those matchmakers, and I tried the online dating scene, never finding the right one, or making the right connection.  All my connections up to this point have been in person, via friends or circumstances. Where I worked, worshiped, partied, social settings, community events.

I’m sure there are plenty of stories of how the modern-day matchmaker has worked, the online success, the stories, bachelor and bachelorette, etc.   Someone I met at  a holiday party has become my “matchmaker”.  She’s a married friend with a nice family, who works in an environment where she has met plenty of single men and ladies.  I’m honored actually that she would think of me, being relatively new to the state, but I have enjoyed meeting the ladies she has introduced me too. It’s all about the connection, interest, and attraction.

I’m still living this amazing life, trying to make the most of what I have been given, in some cases a 2nd chance at love again.  Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match.

Boundary Waters….am I in Minnesota??

Are you into canoeing where you portage from lake to lake exploring the wilderness, about to face the unexpected and when you do, trying to figure out what to do?  Portaging is where you unload your canoe, carry your gear, paddles, and canoe and walk, hike, climb, until you reach the next point of water and then reload your canoe and keep on your merry way, via your canoeing adventure. Some live for this exciting way to travel by canoe, to see the un-chartered waters, and experience what the original explorers did, new places never experienced before.

Our lives are lived in these areas of our relationships that have the same kind of boundary water experiences.  Some of us just want to stay close to shore, never wandering beyond what we can easily see, because it is comforting there. We have always stayed close to shore.  Some of us act like explorers and test those boundaries, to the extreme, and others of us are trying to find that happy medium.  I think that for each of us, our journey and experiences take us to different places, during our lifetime.

For me I am testing the boundary waters, trying to figure out the channel to paddle down, all the while trying to figure how to keep from getting hurt, yet pushing myself beyond where I have been before.  I have often heard about people saying they wished they took more risks, and asked more questions.  I certainly have started living that way….taking more risks and asking more questions.  Actually, I always had the questions, just too afraid to ask.  I am starting to ask more, even if uncomfortable for me, because I need to change. I need to change some habits that ended up with unnecessary expectations, or lingering questions that when answered did not add up to what I conjured in my head. I certainly thought more about subjects than your average bear.

I have had a chance to do some real reflecting, taking an honest inventory as to why I am where I am.  What choices did I make and what were the results.  It’s not been fun, but it’s been real.  I did have opportunities to change some circumstances before but I chose feelings over truth. The truth will always be the truth and sometimes the truth hurts.  I’m human, just like everyone else, with feelings and emotions that don’t always add up.  What a ride it’s been.

Boundaries in relationships, everyone deals with them, and in my experience, everyone deals with them differently, or we wouldn’t have the f’d up world we do.  I’m not trying to be harsh, but if there were early lessons like in pre-school about boundaries, and taught through-out life during the early learning years, life would definitely had been different, at least for me.  I’m still learning as it turns out, even with my closest friends.  Growing up most of my closest friends were girls. Most would say what’s wrong with that, and the answer is, nothing. I had a lot of guy friends too, but let’s face it, I was interested in girls.

What I am trying to express, is that I am still trying to figure out the correct boundaries with people.  This requires communication, and there is no other way to determine what to do with co-workers, my boss, my subordinates, my family, my friends both women and men, and lovers.  Had I discussed boundaries more often, or deeper, in my relationships, I would not have faced as much hurt as I have, disappointments, unrealized expectations, wants, needs. etc.  Boundaries would have helped with all the great stuff too, the joys, the memories, but again my journey surely would have been altered and at what cost?  I am certainly experiencing the deeper waters of new adventures, pushing my boundaries further, asking more questions, getting subjects out front just to experience life differently.  Not more purposeful, but different. Breaking the mold of who I was, and becoming new in so many ways.  I still have a long way to go, but inside I am a happier person with some of the changes I have made in the last 10 months.  It’s not been easy, but what in life is?  I still have many challenges before me, and I am not out of the deep end yet.  I am looking forward to what is to be, what is around the next corner, but boundaries will certainly offer a safety zone, so that I don’t continually repeat some of the same mistakes of my past.

Boundaries have come up more frequently than in my recent past, but it has led to great discussions.  I feel more at peace with what is happening, and I owe it to myself to make a change.  What’s the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Not me, I’m portaging to that next incredible lake, where I will explore new territories, are you with me?

Speed Dating 101- a few tips

First Impressions are often wrong but lasting!  I think that phrase is totally accurate in speed dating. If you have seen the movie Hitch or 40 Year Old Virgin there are scenes in those movies that highlight speed dating but it is best viewed in person.  It was a true step out of my comfort zone, as I am not typically up for such events in the social community scene, but I’m a new man now.  As I was on my way to my first speed dating experience, I was texting a friend and mentioned how “nervous” I was…. the response ” be yourself, be confident, don’t set high expectations, you’re going to meet new friends”.  I asked “do I wear a jacket?”…. no jacket was the response. I trust my friend so I went with no jacket. I arrived early, but that is standard for me, and scoped out the room and the process, which was new to me.

As the room filled, a balance of men and women packed the room, about 54 total people. Each table, or pairings of tables, had a table number and as I checked in, my name badge had a number, lucky number 13.  The process was to move clockwise around the room, men moved table to table the ladies stayed put with a 15 minute break at the halfway mark.  Happy Hour was in force and most were sipping on a beverage of sorts.

This was quite an experience for me and wondered why it taken so long for me to look into this process.  I had been in several long-term relationships, so that may have jilted my interest, but I am a believe now. I’d say don’t knock it, until you try it, you only live once right?  The process started on time with a few ground rules, mostly about having 5 minutes to interact, and move on, when the buzzer sounds, as everyone is moving at the same time.  My challenge with the event was it was only 5 minutes per person, and how can I keep my questions fresh enough/ unique enough to pique interest and at the same time, determine the “First Impression”. Within that time you also needed to document with one or two words, who you just met and whether you want to connect with them in the future.

As you move from table to table pleasantries are exchanged and then you basically had enough time to ask one question, because each has to answer. Depending on the question, the answer can be quite lengthy.  During my experience, there were several groups of ladies that came together, like a girls night out experience, and one group was celebrating a birthday party.  This is an arena where everyone is accepted, and while you may be competing with other guys/ girls, you have to set what your expectations are.

Some of the questions ranged from: How would you spend $1,000,000? What brought you to Colorado/ Denver? Have you been married before? What exotic country have you traveled too? What is your favorite beer? What is your favorite restaurant in Denver?What is your occupation? What are you looking for?   A unique question I had been how did I feel about marijuana being legalized?  All the questions were great, and some had prepared for more than one question in case you find yourself in that odd awkward moment of silence.  Remember, you only have 5 minutes, and less if the guy in front of you is a bit chatty.

So the tips?  Dress to impress, it’s the reason you are there. Arrive on time, but if you arrive early, you can meet and greet a few up front. Firm handshake, smile, speak clearly. Be ready with your questions, prepare 3-6 depending on time, to switch it up, and in case of that awkward silence..  Be yourself, sincere, interested in who you are talking to, not the next person, or the last one, but the one you are with right now.  Don’t drink too much, maintain eye contact. Have fun, enjoy life.

It’s funny, I look back on that night, and I don’t remember any of the other guys, but I remember the ladies that “piqued my interest”. Remember I mentioned to keep track of who you met, a quick one word reminder…. you turn in your “matches” sheet at the end of the evening, and within the next day or so, you get your matches, names, and contact info.  Out of the 27, I was interested in 10, and got “matches” with 7. Of the 7 I have had dates with 6, and will likely stay in touch with one of the 6. At least that’s how I see it now.

I would definitely do the speed dating again, after all, I’m looking to meet new friends, and maybe that special someone may be there. For now, I’m content with where I am, I have great friends near and far, and I have is time on my side.  Don’t knock it, until you try it!