Tag Archives: hope

Tranquillity…why we all need it. 


Like most people I find myself busy all the time. Busy for work, busy with friends, stuck in front of a computer or TV. Nothing beats sitting still in the outdoors. This location is not exactly nature but in a country of 100’s of thousands of lakes, it’s pretty close. 

My father often spoke of just walking in the woods thinking and contemplating life. I have heard that often from my relatives too. And so I sit, as I begin my second day in Finland, a beautiful country with a rich and proud heritage. 99 years old as a country. The clouds roll in as it will be overcast today but it doesn’t change the beauty. 

Being at peace is a beautiful thing and having a place where you can be at peace, all the better! I’m happy that I chose Finland again for vacation. This time to spend more time relaxing, enjoying the moments that are far from me. Dipping my toes in the water to just pause and rest, now that is peace. 

Why is it important though, why do we need it? I contend that it resets our core, that being busy is just an excuse to thinking you are productive. But isn’t this what we all say we want. Just a moment please, I need to rest, I need time for myself, I need you here with me.  

Already I miss those I love. I want them here with me but for now, I’ll take what I can get in this moment. The gentle breeze against my skin, the occasional pop of the water from a fish taking a breath, the song and chirp of a bird.

This is what I have been wanting, and my soul is receptive. Don’t you deserve that too? Is life so busy you don’t take time to smell the roses? Take the time now, before they are placed above you and you won’t be able to appreciate them. Balance in life and work is so important. I have neglected that for many years and it came at a huge price of loss. Loss of family. Loss of love. Loss of peace. Loss of tangible things but those are replaceable. Unfortunately the loss of time is not. 

Find your tranquillity, you will be glad that you did. 

The battle within


These stones were used for grinding grain into flour a hundred or more years ago in Scandinavia. I think of these wheels that keep on turning, ’round n’round…..

It’s those wheels, symbolic of what’s inside of me that keeps turning and churning and I wonder when it’s going to stop. The seeds of disappointment, the grains of “I’m not good enough”, how do I measure my worth?  Am I important to you? The self doubt that I don’t share with anyone because doing so, exposes my flaws and weaknesses. 

The battle within continues, it’s more difficult when there is someone within reach, worth reaching out to, only to have the battle in the way…. Maybe I am alone in this war of worth and self worth but my logic says I am not alone. 

My faith keeps me grounded, but I share this with you only to say that I am human, and I deal with these emotions often, that with faith I wonder how I would survive if I didn’t have it. 

How about you my long lost friend? Do you have a battle within that you struggle with? Is it love? Self worth? Addiction? 

I think I am on the cusp of something big, though the fog is keeping it all unclear….I’ll keep fighting because I don’t like or want the alternative, it is the only way I know. I’m just keeping it real with you. 

New book instead of chapter(s)

I’ve decided to stop writing chapters in the old book and decided that it was time to write a new chapter, new book, with new determination that life ahead of me is better than what I am leaving behind.   We all have those chapters, and I read recently that I needed to stop turning the same old pages before I could really move forward.   That was   tough position to be in, holding onto what was, because there were some great times, and there were really shitty ones too. All too frequently I kept turning back to the old pages to see if there was something I was missing, maybe I overlooked something, maybe there was hope, a possibility??  But to be fair to the future, I can’t be looking forward if I am constantly looking behind me.  I need to press on, press forward, anticipate new beginnings.

I had been doing some exploration in some relationships to see if there was potential, did we have the same goals, vision for life, what about children, faith, love.  Where do you see yourself in 5 years, where are you willing to move to?  Do you vote, love music, travel? What are your dreams, ambitions.  Subtle questions in conversation and all at once it seemed, all the doors closed. I’m not angry or bitter, but thankful that I can move forward because I’m an investor. I invest in time. I make time for those that are important to me.  It was a good learning experience, because I realized that the one I need , needs to have the same ambition in many areas that I do.  Opposites attract, but similarities make for good partners. I’m not suggesting that it’s just how I fee, but what we can compromise on, especially on what is important; love, faith, future.  The little things, favorite foods, politics, sports, are all negligible. I still have areas that I want to improve in my own world, but I am willing, now more than ever to open that up to what lies ahead.

Hope Eternal

What makes us search for that true love? What is it in our soul that yearns for a life partner? I know that God’s love for me is eternal, and His presence is real in my life, but I am still searching. On a recent trip I realized that my search continues. I didn’t have a mission in mind but I was looking for answers and they came about in the most unusual of ways. Unusual in that with how the time was spent for me, asking a lot of questions, not directly, but indirectly. It was as if the Spirit was directing my steps and it wasn’t obvious to me at the start but certainly became clear in the end. How grateful I am to know the truth and how the truth has set me free.

I try to be more sensitive to the Spirit in relation to what I do, and I feel I have more work to be done. I have not reached my destination but I am on my way….

Charting a new direction

New chapter or new book

I viewed a Facebook picture that essentially read “sometimes you just need to close the book rather than keep reading the pages.”

How many times am I going to start a new chapter in a book that I should just close and move on to a new book. It’s a concept that I am acting upon rather than waiting to see what happens next or what the next chapter will be.

This book represents my life and the journey that I am on, with all it’s interesting twists and turns not always easy. Relationships require work, some more than others, and the choices I make then place that relationship on a scale, if you will. The more I invest, the more return that I expect.

Is that fair though? I contend that this is actually a mutual decision not always revealed or discussed and therefore it’s easy to be misdirected or even unintentionally hurt.

I’m certainly not a master with relationships, and certainly not insightful, but I have had many experiences that I have tried to learn from.

My new direction, my new book, my life walk, has new purpose. I learned some principles recently that really caused me to think about what do I need to change about myself. What new choices, decisions do I need make moving forward? I have been glancing back at what was, wondering whether a particular situation still had hope. I have decided that I needed to fully close that book and stop writing new chapters or have hope and anticipation while seeing that many attributes had not changed. This was a decision that didn’t come under duress but rather “why did it take so long for me to come to this decision ?”

I’m a hopeful person, taking Jeremiah 29:11, kind of hope to heart. So with a new hope of something better to come, I have excitement that is growing that my future is bright with much to anticipate.

I’m not able to adequately examine the lives around me. I have too much to focus on my life and I recognize that I need to make some practical changes, life changes, mind and physical changes. Spiritual changes too.

So this is why that I have shared these thoughts. Recognizing that I have been reading in the same book too long, re-reading pages of my past, writing new chapters without fully considering the time that is being absorbed and being wasted on a wish, not even including a practical prayer. Hopefully these thoughts have helped you examine where you are too.

It’s time for me to come back to earth and refocus on what is before me, not behind me.

“Goodbye in Her eyes”

Her eyes, his eyes, does it matter whose eyes?  Haven’t we all been here before, when someone we have loved or lusted after has decided to move on.  I have found myself here on more than one occasion, and every time, I have learned something new. Something new about me, or the other person. This song in particular, performed by Zac Brown Band is on my iTunes, and besides the words, the harmony is so on tune. I however don’t play it over and over again, just for the tune, but for the message.

“Sometimes I feel  like a clown- Who can’t wash off his makeup”…

………”Oh, but like the tide her love has come and gone
And it’s time for me to go.”

There is so much in this song that I can totally relate to.  That is the power of music, how it relates to the needs  of so many people and shares the truths we all face.  This song has spoken to me in many ways and I think it’s different for each individual, for we have our own story to tell.  As I reflect back on my journey, this song helped prepare me for that day in more ways than one.

Have you heard the song?  Here are the lyrics…

“Goodbye In Her Eyes” sung by Zac Brown Band, from the album Uncaged

 

I could tell that it was over
When her lips met mine
It was an emptiness in her voice
Hesitation when she smiled
She didn’t have to say a word
It was just so plain to see
She had found what she’d been looking for
And I knew it wasn’t me

I saw goodbye in her eyes
I don’t think I can change it
There’s no way to disguise
We will never make it

Sometimes I feel like a clown
Who can’t wash off his make-up
The life she wanted ‒ it was gone
Prince Charming ‒ I wasn’t
But I would trade a thousand Babylons
To be in her arms tomorrow
Oh, but like the tide her love has come and gone
And it’s time for me to go

I saw goodbye in her eyes
I don’t think I can change it
There’s no way to disguise
We will never make it

Now she sees right through me

Should I hold on to what we’ve got
Is it just a waste of time?
One thing that I know for sure
I saw goodbye in her eyes

I saw goodbye in her eyes

I know you got somebody new now
All my candles have burned out
He’s gonna love the way you shine
So did I
So don’t smile at me it ain’t what you mean
(Goodbye)

With that goodbye in your eyes
I know that I can’t change it (now you see right through me)
There’s no way to disguise
We will never make it

I saw goodbye in your eyes
I know that I can’t change it (now you see right through me, goodbye in your eyes!)
Should I hold on
We will never make it (now you see right through me, goodbye in your eyes!)

Should I hold on
Is it just a waste of time?
One thing that I know for sure
I saw goodbye in your eyes
I saw goodbye in your eyes
I know that it’s over

70 times 7

Isn’t that a number related to a parable of how often you should
forgive someone for a wrong held or done against you? I’m no bible expert but I feel like I am becoming an expert on relationships. Not because I have had many but the few that I have concentrated on lately really seem to push my own development into becoming a better person. Forgiveness isn’t to let someone else feel better it’s more about me, how I feel, how to let go of hurt and bitterness.

In speaking to a total stranger yesterday, they offered how much better life is to let go of hurt and pain. Why is it that we grasp hold of such things? Why do we want to hold on to pain rather than living life fully to our own capacity?

Like I said, I’m no expert but I learned a valuable lesson the other day. The quicker I release my struggle and frustration to God, the more stress free my life becomes. And actually within 24 hours the issue had a break through. How great is God to do that for me! I’m not a bible thumper, but I do understand God’s grace.

One life to live!

My life changed on March 23, when I received the very early morning phone call from my mother who expressed that my father had passed away in his sleep. It wasn’t the call that I was hoping to get, I wanted him to hang in there for a few more days for me to tell him again how much I loved him, how important he was in my life, what a role model he was to me, and I am sure to my other siblings.  I wanted him to hang on so that I could kiss him, touch his hand, gaze into his eyes and say ” I love you dad!”. I’m not angry that he left this earth without me having those chances, because every time that I saw him recently, I did all those things, and the last words I heard him say in person, was “I love you”.

My father was deeply spiritual in a very private sense. I knew that God was important to him and he knew where he was going during his final days, he had a plan.  My father the WW2 veteran, who had such an amazing life journey, had completed his own “bucket list” of what he wanted to accomplish.  I really haven’t taken the time to fully grieve losing him from the earthly world. I just have pushed myself into work.  It’s not a good thing, its just the way it is.    In speaking to my mother, she is doing remarkably well, as she too is in her 90’s, and adjusting to a life without her partner of 63 years in marriage.  I can’t imagine, and won’t be able to, as my own scenario doesn’t allow the chance to be married to someone for 63 years.

A friend said that this will be a year of “firsts” for me, for us, for mom.  I didn’t really think about it, but as Easter approaches, that will be a first, a first of not having my father here.  There is but one life to live, and we should live life abundantly, with purpose, with hope, with a future in mind. ( Jer. 29:11)

I am grateful for the many lessons my father taught me. I wanted to write a book about his life, for our family, and I never got around to doing just that.  My dad would say, while doing carpentry, “Measure twice, cut once”, or while doing yard work, house work, “do it right the first time, so you don’t have to spend more time doing it right the second time”.  Simple life lessons like that.

He always had a song in his heart, was always singing to my mom, music was so important in our family. I am blessed to have such loving parents who gave so much of their time to us, and giving us invaluable insight into the truth’s of life.  Maybe now I can take the time, to focus on my loss, and heaven’s gain, and at the same time celebrate the life of my father.

We all have but one life to live, love and laugh.  I see now, more clearly, that we do not know the time nor the hour in which we will depart this earth and pass into eternity. God please grant me the opportunity to live life to the fullest, just like my dad!

X’s and Ohhhhs

My life has been turned upside down, sorta.  I have had to deal with ex’s and have found new meaning in ohhhhhs as in OMG.  I find myself in these unique circumstances and I’m not exactly sure how I got here. Does this sound confusing already??? Anyone who has had any kind of serious relationship knows what I am talking about when I say” I had to deal with the Ex again……”, because that scenario is like a merry-go-round in this journey called life.

My Ohhhhhhs have been of a different twist. As in OMG, on who I have met recently and trying to figure out what to do.  I’m not a “playa” by any stretch of the imagination, but I have found myself, in this quite large  city to be involved with individuals that are connected in a small circle of people.  I didn’t plan it that way, and I certainly didn’t hope that I would have to deal with what I have, but I have had to let two friends go, because I didn’t want to deal with pending drama.  My experiences with these ladies had been unique and quite different from each other in their likes, knowledge, education, outlook on life, and what they considered fun, and I was right there in the middle of it, trying to figure out which way was up, and which way should I go, because I really had no clue.  Neither of them fit my profile for a long-term relationship, I just wanted to enjoy the single life I find myself in, trying to manage my job, my budget, and my experiences.

In fact I review what my life has been, and I see failure, and rejection, and recently I found more interest and acceptance than what I have found in a long time, actually ever.  I think my turnaround has been the fact that I have pushed myself into situations that I was hesitant about following thru on, the rejection, and all the other feelings that are pushed out there.

I know everyone is different. I have friends that choose to view life through rose-colored glasses, rather than the pure light, and others that are focused on what was, rather than what is.  I faced some of that too, and I had to make a choice on what was my future to be.  I’m still unsure, and now even more so, since my ex has re-entered the picture.  Do you believe in 2nd chances, do you believe in Love at first sight, do you believe that everything happens for a reason, do you believe you can start over, do you believe…..

I struggle with my own emotions, having come so far, and now finding myself back in a familiar place that didn’t work before.  I have changed so much in what I do, believe, and feel, because I have had regrets.  I don’t want to leave an opportunity that I may regret later, for not finding out, not reaching out, not trying again.  Maybe I don’t make sense here, I’m just trying to express, the best way that I can, that I do want to enjoy life, live it abundantly, have purpose, and love live more fully. I’m looking forward to these next several months, because there is more around the next corner, I just need to be willing, to see it for what it really is, more than what I want it to be.