Tag Archives: loss

The battle within


These stones were used for grinding grain into flour a hundred or more years ago in Scandinavia. I think of these wheels that keep on turning, ’round n’round…..

It’s those wheels, symbolic of what’s inside of me that keeps turning and churning and I wonder when it’s going to stop. The seeds of disappointment, the grains of “I’m not good enough”, how do I measure my worth?  Am I important to you? The self doubt that I don’t share with anyone because doing so, exposes my flaws and weaknesses. 

The battle within continues, it’s more difficult when there is someone within reach, worth reaching out to, only to have the battle in the way…. Maybe I am alone in this war of worth and self worth but my logic says I am not alone. 

My faith keeps me grounded, but I share this with you only to say that I am human, and I deal with these emotions often, that with faith I wonder how I would survive if I didn’t have it. 

How about you my long lost friend? Do you have a battle within that you struggle with? Is it love? Self worth? Addiction? 

I think I am on the cusp of something big, though the fog is keeping it all unclear….I’ll keep fighting because I don’t like or want the alternative, it is the only way I know. I’m just keeping it real with you. 

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One life to live!

My life changed on March 23, when I received the very early morning phone call from my mother who expressed that my father had passed away in his sleep. It wasn’t the call that I was hoping to get, I wanted him to hang in there for a few more days for me to tell him again how much I loved him, how important he was in my life, what a role model he was to me, and I am sure to my other siblings.  I wanted him to hang on so that I could kiss him, touch his hand, gaze into his eyes and say ” I love you dad!”. I’m not angry that he left this earth without me having those chances, because every time that I saw him recently, I did all those things, and the last words I heard him say in person, was “I love you”.

My father was deeply spiritual in a very private sense. I knew that God was important to him and he knew where he was going during his final days, he had a plan.  My father the WW2 veteran, who had such an amazing life journey, had completed his own “bucket list” of what he wanted to accomplish.  I really haven’t taken the time to fully grieve losing him from the earthly world. I just have pushed myself into work.  It’s not a good thing, its just the way it is.    In speaking to my mother, she is doing remarkably well, as she too is in her 90’s, and adjusting to a life without her partner of 63 years in marriage.  I can’t imagine, and won’t be able to, as my own scenario doesn’t allow the chance to be married to someone for 63 years.

A friend said that this will be a year of “firsts” for me, for us, for mom.  I didn’t really think about it, but as Easter approaches, that will be a first, a first of not having my father here.  There is but one life to live, and we should live life abundantly, with purpose, with hope, with a future in mind. ( Jer. 29:11)

I am grateful for the many lessons my father taught me. I wanted to write a book about his life, for our family, and I never got around to doing just that.  My dad would say, while doing carpentry, “Measure twice, cut once”, or while doing yard work, house work, “do it right the first time, so you don’t have to spend more time doing it right the second time”.  Simple life lessons like that.

He always had a song in his heart, was always singing to my mom, music was so important in our family. I am blessed to have such loving parents who gave so much of their time to us, and giving us invaluable insight into the truth’s of life.  Maybe now I can take the time, to focus on my loss, and heaven’s gain, and at the same time celebrate the life of my father.

We all have but one life to live, love and laugh.  I see now, more clearly, that we do not know the time nor the hour in which we will depart this earth and pass into eternity. God please grant me the opportunity to live life to the fullest, just like my dad!