Tag Archives: love

Tranquillity…why we all need it. 


Like most people I find myself busy all the time. Busy for work, busy with friends, stuck in front of a computer or TV. Nothing beats sitting still in the outdoors. This location is not exactly nature but in a country of 100’s of thousands of lakes, it’s pretty close. 

My father often spoke of just walking in the woods thinking and contemplating life. I have heard that often from my relatives too. And so I sit, as I begin my second day in Finland, a beautiful country with a rich and proud heritage. 99 years old as a country. The clouds roll in as it will be overcast today but it doesn’t change the beauty. 

Being at peace is a beautiful thing and having a place where you can be at peace, all the better! I’m happy that I chose Finland again for vacation. This time to spend more time relaxing, enjoying the moments that are far from me. Dipping my toes in the water to just pause and rest, now that is peace. 

Why is it important though, why do we need it? I contend that it resets our core, that being busy is just an excuse to thinking you are productive. But isn’t this what we all say we want. Just a moment please, I need to rest, I need time for myself, I need you here with me.  

Already I miss those I love. I want them here with me but for now, I’ll take what I can get in this moment. The gentle breeze against my skin, the occasional pop of the water from a fish taking a breath, the song and chirp of a bird.

This is what I have been wanting, and my soul is receptive. Don’t you deserve that too? Is life so busy you don’t take time to smell the roses? Take the time now, before they are placed above you and you won’t be able to appreciate them. Balance in life and work is so important. I have neglected that for many years and it came at a huge price of loss. Loss of family. Loss of love. Loss of peace. Loss of tangible things but those are replaceable. Unfortunately the loss of time is not. 

Find your tranquillity, you will be glad that you did. 

Trapped in PC


I am passing through Denver and saw this sign for beef jerky in the airport. I thought surely someone will be offended by the name of that.  It kinda goes along with my trapped feelings. 

PC, or politically correct, is how we function mostly these days. Not wanting to offend anyone with our words and actions yet we are offered “Freedom of Speech”.  Our world is becoming too complex on the fine line between right and wrong, black and white, strait or gay, and yet within those boundaries,  shades of grey creep in. 

How did we get here? I think technology has played a major role in this. Instant updates in the news. Seeing violence live, videoed by someone. 

 I do some public speaking for my job and I enjoy it but I find myself having to couch thoughts and phrases differently than I did 20 years ago. Who is my audience, what’s the right message, what do I want them going home with?  I find it more difficult now especially with the recent police officer killings in Dallas that there is an under current. 

The under current being the debate about Black Lives Matter and All Lives Matter, debacle. The racial injustices are just that, injustices. It can be injustice in any direction, white, black, gay, rich, poor. Discussions and feelings are at an all time high on the message boards. 

Unfortunately the focus just seems to be about Black Lives Matter  and that’s where my trapped feelings lay. We’re no longer free to share our opinions. If you speak out against Black Lives Matter, then you are labeled a racist. If you don’t hit “like” and “share” you obviously don’t understand what’s a stake. And if you are not black then you definitely  have not witnessed racism or injustice. I get it, I don’t have to be black to understand this. But this isn’t just about one race. That’s my point!

President Obama shared today from Warsaw that he wants to have a committee to have open dialogue and how to address change. The problem is open dialogue is being drowned out in the debate of being politically correct. 

Real change doesn’t take place without real honesty and difficult words and dialogue and discussion and compromise. All factors of which are being lost in today’s society sadly. 

I find myself avoiding conversations and posts because of how I will be perceived for sharing an opinion that may not even be mine, yet I will suffer the consequences. Persecution has existed since the beginning of time, and will last until the end. I’m not sure how to untrap myself.  Maybe I’ll just eat some Climax Jerky and move on. 

The battle within


These stones were used for grinding grain into flour a hundred or more years ago in Scandinavia. I think of these wheels that keep on turning, ’round n’round…..

It’s those wheels, symbolic of what’s inside of me that keeps turning and churning and I wonder when it’s going to stop. The seeds of disappointment, the grains of “I’m not good enough”, how do I measure my worth?  Am I important to you? The self doubt that I don’t share with anyone because doing so, exposes my flaws and weaknesses. 

The battle within continues, it’s more difficult when there is someone within reach, worth reaching out to, only to have the battle in the way…. Maybe I am alone in this war of worth and self worth but my logic says I am not alone. 

My faith keeps me grounded, but I share this with you only to say that I am human, and I deal with these emotions often, that with faith I wonder how I would survive if I didn’t have it. 

How about you my long lost friend? Do you have a battle within that you struggle with? Is it love? Self worth? Addiction? 

I think I am on the cusp of something big, though the fog is keeping it all unclear….I’ll keep fighting because I don’t like or want the alternative, it is the only way I know. I’m just keeping it real with you. 

Celebrate Mom!

 I live 2000 miles away from my mom, but I celebrate her today, and every day really. I’m in touch with her frequently and she expresses how “I have made her day” and the truth is, she has made my day. My siblings sent her flowers through one of my brothers, and I bring them every time I visit. 

My father passed away last year in March and I am surprised and thankful at the same time to see how strong my mother is, to have made it through a devastating loss, but they had so much love for each other and life. 

I have made some great traveling plans this year and every time we speak about them, she encourages me to go, search and discover while I’m single. She knows the sacrifices of married life. She raised four children, successful in their own arenas in life. She raised us with a love for music and the arts. To embrace culture and our heritage. To do well in all we do, to enjoy cooking, it’s a way to bring people together. 

Today I celebrate my mother, thankful for all that she has done for me personally. I love you mom!

 

New book instead of chapter(s)

I’ve decided to stop writing chapters in the old book and decided that it was time to write a new chapter, new book, with new determination that life ahead of me is better than what I am leaving behind.   We all have those chapters, and I read recently that I needed to stop turning the same old pages before I could really move forward.   That was   tough position to be in, holding onto what was, because there were some great times, and there were really shitty ones too. All too frequently I kept turning back to the old pages to see if there was something I was missing, maybe I overlooked something, maybe there was hope, a possibility??  But to be fair to the future, I can’t be looking forward if I am constantly looking behind me.  I need to press on, press forward, anticipate new beginnings.

I had been doing some exploration in some relationships to see if there was potential, did we have the same goals, vision for life, what about children, faith, love.  Where do you see yourself in 5 years, where are you willing to move to?  Do you vote, love music, travel? What are your dreams, ambitions.  Subtle questions in conversation and all at once it seemed, all the doors closed. I’m not angry or bitter, but thankful that I can move forward because I’m an investor. I invest in time. I make time for those that are important to me.  It was a good learning experience, because I realized that the one I need , needs to have the same ambition in many areas that I do.  Opposites attract, but similarities make for good partners. I’m not suggesting that it’s just how I fee, but what we can compromise on, especially on what is important; love, faith, future.  The little things, favorite foods, politics, sports, are all negligible. I still have areas that I want to improve in my own world, but I am willing, now more than ever to open that up to what lies ahead.

It’s really over- when to stay, when to move on

I didn’t think that I would feel this way. I wrote yesterday about seeing goodbye in her eyes….. It wasn’t that I saw them, it was more about what I felt in my heart. To say I am at peace isn’t completely the case but it’s pretty close. To say that I am satisfied, I’m not, but I have accepted the situation enough to move forward. This alone is a tremendous step for me. Almost a milestone accomplishment.

When to stay or when to move on, is an issue of the heart and mind and both need to be of the same accord. It took a long time for my heart to catch up to my mind. All the questions of why me? How could it happen? What didn’t i do right? Only to realize, it wasn’t just me.

I share in the blame for sure, my own wrongs, failures, disappointments. But for her to fail to acknowledge her part, is unacceptable. It truly is time to move forward, with hope and a future before me. What next is before me and I will find the one who truly loves me the way that I should be loved.