Tag Archives: singleness

The LIST, bucket or otherwise

I’m following an inspiring writer, Lesley Carter, on WordPress called Bucket List Publications, and she shares the many pursuits and dreams that she has and is still working toward. How ambitious!  I try to put pen to paper and set my own list…. the last time I made a real effort was with my last lover, and those were mutual goals. The ones we would do together, travel, possibly adopt a child, take a cooking class, learn sign language, and the like.  I have always made lists, lists for work, lists for chores, lists for grocery needs, list of priorities, life and otherwise.

As I dream now on what will my list include are mostly points of interest that, at least for the near future, are items I will largely do by myself. Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, Mt. Rushmore, climb a 14’er or two, hot springs, visit a football playoff game, visit Europe, etc. Being alone now all these goals just lose their pizzazz.  I know that I need to be comfortable with my own skin, I am, I just think its more fun to enjoy life with someone.

What I won’t do, is wait for that special someone, like I was doing before. Waiting to visit, to see, to experience because the “family” would want to see it too. Now, when opportunity knocks, not only will I answer the door, I’ll walk right on through! When that special someone enters my life, then we will have new journeys to experience together.

Dealing with the past, facing the future

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I never imagined myself to be in this position, not a year ago.  A year ago I was visiting my family and enjoying a different kind of life, married life.   A life that wasn’t perfect, but I had a family with children, though not my own, in my heart, I felt that they were.  I’m not covering all the details here, but suffice to say, it didn’t work out for a variety of reasons. The kind of reasons that seem to be the worse kind, at the time, and then I learn how unfortunately all too common, my circumstances were.

The toughest part for me,  was that I fell hard when I realized it was all over. I believed that this was the one, whom I would spend my life with, much like Rascal Flats’s Bless the Broken Road, I thought the all the crooked paths led me strait to her.

Hindsight is truly 20/20, all the signs, the friends, that soft still inner voice, all red flags on what not to do, yet love is blind.  Starting over has not been fun, its been really hard, to self evaluate, and determine how to move on, and start again.  I’m not sure I am completely there yet, I still have a lot to process, the why me, and how could it happen, why did it happen???

The Cardinal Rules, at least in this depiction, have some fundamental truths, that are important for all of us, and it’s not just about relationships. Its about life in general, I just applied them to this painful past relationship that has taken a lot out of me, and I am just putting all the pieces back together for a more healthier me, for me.

I have lots of good friends both near and far, and I am starting over, in my new place. This hasn’t been the easiest, but in many ways more rewarding because I am truly out of my comfort zone.  It has forced me to take action, where I am truly unknown, and few friends to reach out to, other than co-workers. This is the  first time that I am really on my own, separate from college and living across the state from my family.  Now my blood family is 2000 miles away in any direction.  I have had some good counseling, shoulders to lean on, others to cry on, and while I recognize 2013 was a crazy difficult year, it has made me stronger.

I’m divorced but I don’t use that moniker to define me, its not my ethnicity. Making peace with my past has been the most difficult part in going through this whole experience. I wanted to tell everyone how I had been wronged, I felt ashamed, disappointed with all that I had gone through, how would I, how could I move on??  It still requires effort not to lash out, not to want to cause damage, expose the lies, etc. but is it worth it truly?  Will that solve or fix what has happened? Will I get the honest answers?

Many months back I decided that I just needed to move forward, whether I was ready or not, whether I felt like it or not.  I am so glad that I took that first step, with encouragement from friends.  I now find myself in such a better place, with so many options, and ways to start enjoying life.  Isn’t that what we all seek, to enjoy life. I think these Cardinal Rules will help me, help us, do just that.