Tag Archives: truth

My life changed today

Who knew that a simple accident would cause such profound consequences and just 4 days ago I thought it was just a simple problem. Yep it was then that I fell, slipped in the mud, heard a snap, cried out in pain, and limped back up to a supposed “sprained ankle”. After returning to my hometown, after 3 long days of international travel, I realized today that my bone was broken.

Now it was not excruciating pain 4 days ago, it was an inconvenience. I hobbled around, packed my bags, rumbled through airports, arose early, went to bed late and finally returned home this AM and I knew what I needed to do first.

To get my ankle checked out. Since I was a hobbler, I needed to know the truth, to be set free, sorta.

The “snap” was bugging me, and I thought many times that was just a twig, my pants, anything but that “crack” sound in my brain. So here I sit, temp cast place, waiting for the next update and maybe stronger cast. I have lots to think about.

Driving, eating, cooking, sleeping, bathroom breaks, work, travel or not, dressing up, or down. Now I’m a bit tired trying to adjust to this time zone and get back to normal, but that seems so far off now.

Musings from my epic vacay pt. 1

As the casual observer of what is hip here in Finland and in Poland. I have been amazed at how much English is used in both the beauty and the crass. American icons seemingly long gone from popularity in the US are still strong here in the EU. Izod shoes, Nike, Adidas, etc. are still popular. Now Nike is still a statement in the US, to the point of addiction, here it seems the casual shoe or maybe an earlier brand. Curse words are the norm on t-shirts. What is rarely spelled out in the U.S. is all too common place on post cards, stickers, shirts, caps and magnets. 
I met a young lady, a student from Hong Kong, and was surprised how freely she used the “F” bomb, almost as if it was a part of her normal day to day language. Though I should not be surprised as it’s pretty common in the U.S. as well. I have enjoyed meeting new people from other countries, the few that I have spoken to, the waitresses, the others on vacation, the ones who work in shops, etc. While in Poland I met several from Australia, UK, Netherlands, Mexico, and a gal from China who teaches English as a second language whose parents live in Boulder.
I was surprised while shopping in Tikkurila, Finland, that “New York” ball caps with the NY spelled out in script, were being sold in the local Wal-Mart style store. I thought that I would wear local shirts from CO to stand out, like most of my clothes seem to make me anyway. Only quickly to realize that there is so much apparel from all over. I was trying for the tourist look and realized I fit right in. 
When I was in the airport heading to Poland I wore my “Blues from the Top” t-shirt, from Winter Park, CO. I think that those that could read or understand English could tell I was from the U.S. but most could not. I was standing amongst a crowd of Polish, Korean, Chinese, Russian and I am sure countless other countries.
Many women were dressed to the 9’s in the square, maybe it was close to dancing time, or maybe they just wanted to look nice. Either way they did get attention, the men, as usual. Most men were very casual and a few dressed up like their gals, a few in wedding attire.
From skin tight jeans to mini skirts, the fashion seems to be the same around the world. A friend suggested that I wear casual shoes and not tennis shoes but I have been most comfortable in my running shoes. I wore them to the airport and easily passed through security without the ring of the metal detector. Security seems more at ease here and I don’t know if that is good or bad. Less stringent, but still the X-ray etc that is constant throughout. 
I was disappointed to learn this morning during breakfast that another guest in my hotel had issues with his AC. What!!!!! AC??? I didn’t event know if i had it, and upon checking out saw that the concierge had my remote. Shame on me for not checking, I just assumed that I did not have it, as most days were comfortable and my window was open when I entered the door. Next time I will check for sure! so many things that I have learned this time, and I certainly packed too many warm things. I am thinking of sending a few items homes, or I can use my other luggage to break up my baggage.
The airport in Poland is nice too, so many thoughts I had about this country have been challenged and changed. I thought of this Cold War country with depression and dirt and quite the contrary. Beautiful structures and architecture I have experienced everywhere. Beautiful homes with nice yards and mini farm fields. Very large homes for the well to do, and nice cars for the same. The old style architecture from the historic buildings were just as majestic.
An effective light rail system for around town was clearly evident in Kraków, I would stay in the Old town Historic Market area again, plenty of hotels to choose from, and plenty of great places to eat. I did not take in the music, the churches and some other sites, I was either too tired from the late nights and early mornings that I figure I will wait until next time. There will be a next time as my visit here was incredible. The food fantastic, the beer quite good and everything from people watching to the nightlife was quite fun!
What are my take-aways from my first few days in Europe? I was blown away with my experiences at Auschwitz and Birkenau. I read the history before, but I experienced it here, now, and even though this all took place 70+ years ago, walking the same paths, looking in the same barracks, walking where people exited rail cars, passing through the same gates, that over a million people who perished did, was really an incredible experience. Overwhelming sadness for the ones who were killed for no reason, other than having been Jewish and deemed a race that should not have existed.

I’m on a mission…..

I’m on a mission. It’s not top-secret, I’m not in the military, I’m not in law enforcement, and I’m not paid to investigate. I am though, still on a mission to find a spiritual place to call home.

I thought that I had found a home but as I was experiencing my deepest pain and darkest time it seemed the people were too busy for me. They knew of my plight and they were busy with their own priorities. I don’t blame them completely, but I am hurt. Hurt that more didn’t reach out, call back, send an email or a card. I slumped into a dark place not because of this experience but because of my own.

I have been here before but I recognize that this isn’t God’s doing, or lack there of. This isn’t God’s fault, and I become sad when others try to blame God for things He doesn’t do. The reminder should be is that we are human and we do human things including failing each other.  I could have reached  out better in the midst of my personal storm. I slid into a funk and stayed there for several months.

So in the last several months I have started to search again. Visiting different and diverse places of worship. I have re-visited my former place and while I knew several folks, and they have moved into a new building, I haven’t really reconnected. I am trying to determine if I should just move on and search for something new.  I was sad on Sunday because it’s was a birthday of a step-daughter, and I have no recourse to reach out. Cut off, because of all that happened. She doesn’t know the whole truth and it’s probably not a good time for her to know that, perhaps never a good time for that, but that didn’t help my sadness.

So here, in the midst of my mission, I reflect on what didn’t work right while trying to find the place that is right for me. My mission continues!

The Bitter Truth vs. The Sweetest Lie

I heard a message a few weeks ago, and the subject came up about telling the truth, or sharing a little white lie.  It was a poignant topic for me, as I sat and listened to all the reasoning of the benefits and consequences of such actions.  I queried myself in how did I carry on in life, and relationships, in work and in play, and all the places in between. Examining my own reactions to such life’s experiences and drawing a conclusion on what response precipitated telling the truth, or in which cases it was okay to lie.

I wonder, though not for long, how do you carry yourself down this path.  How have you responded to life’s challenges, and in turn, what has your life become?  I have done plenty of self evaluating and I have found that if I shared the bitter truth, while uncomfortable, the truth is still the truth and it was left on the table to discuss.  It’s become more important to me to answer this way because the alternative is to remember which lie has been told and what to keep up with.  I can’t say that I have mastered the art of this, but isn’t honesty the best policy?

Truth in relationships is an absolute must. Trust, like truth is a foundation, and without it, there is no true relationship. I guess that’s where this idea of a sweet lie, or white lie enters the picture from how many “drinks” have I had to how much money I have spent, etc. It comes down to what’s important to you. The substance of truth, or the absence of it. What do you want, the truth and nothing but the truth, or are you okay with, “what you need to know” is the answer.  For me, in this journey, I am making changes from what once was to what I want it to be now, and that is dealing with the bitter truth.  I’ll achieve happiness quicker that way, it may not be easy, and that’s okay. Some of my greatest victories occurred after having to deal with the greatest challenges.

“Space” the final frontier…. you’ve heard the term

Just give me some “space”… that’s usually how the conversation goes, or maybe it’s just that one sentence. What is it about relationships that we find ourselves in these situations when the simple request for “space” comes into play.  Or it is said, “I know you will understand, when I say I need some space”….

I know that we each have our “personal space” you know the zone when someone is talking to you in person and they have just inched closer and you just stepped a foot back, and that game is played over and over again. But, this isn’t what I am talking about, and I assume you know too, but just in case I pointed that out.  Is it the final frontier, the last step to keeping a relationship or letting it go, but giving a little space???  I’ve been trying to evaluate this whole space idea. It’s like saying, I want time off from any contact with you. How about just saying that, because isn’t that what it is??  Just be honest with yourself and to me.  Space is relative, and I think that is the crux of the difficulty for me, because there is no simple answer,  no singular definition, no clarity that all would agree.

This is an issue I have come across on more than one occasion and what it became was ” let me see how long I can go without communicating with you” in which case, not only did the “space” issue not get resolved, whatever the reason, but the silence was deafening.  Would there be a better way to express “needing space” rather than shut down. We  have not learned the best ways to communicate, and then just blurt out “I need space”.

I have done some self-reflection as of late, for a variety of reasons, and have come to the conclusion I need to share more of what is on my mind, than to just let it swirl around in my head. The swirling part usually does not end well, because so many other factors come into play that I just don’t want to wait long for that “space” thing.  I want to share sooner than later, quicker than waiting, rather than never.

I am starting over in some areas, beginning anew, reborn, if you will, because the old ways didn’t work, and why go back there.  I have a lot on my mind, a lot to deal with, but I’m not unique in that regard.  I am different, that is for sure, but like everyone else, I have stuff to deal with.  So what do i do with that space?  On my end, I’m going to share more, live a more purposeful life, share more,that’s me, I can’t expect everyone to agree with me, respond like me, be like me. Each to their own journey. I guess that part of the “final frontier, go where no man has gone before” is just up to me, everyone else has to get their own ship.

Resolutions and accountability

I joined millions around the world in making some sort of declaration of change that I wanted to accomplish, but like most, some of those resolutions ended quickly. You know the ones, exercise, eating better, less food, sugar, alcohol, or whatever the goal. Some were ideas of how to observe life through clear lenses, than the rose-colored glasses I like to use once in a while. Another was a deeper unspoken change, that I didn’t share with anybody. Surely I’m not the only one in that boat.  As the days ticked by, one after the other became less of a priority and became more of a should have, or should do, to ” awww forget about it” kind of sentiment.

One that I thought I had laid by the side again was resurrected when a long distance friend suggested a challenge to her friends. I’m not sure why I saw the post, destiny perhaps.  As we chatted, she continued to give me encouragement about what we could do for each other, and to take the change slow, rather than quitting “cold turkey”. I appreciated the resurgence in this goal, in particular, to wean off of sugar.  There are all sorts of reasons for me to do so, and for her as well, but what clicked was the fact I was going to have an accountability partner.

What do I have to lose, and what to I have to gain, were the questions running through my mind, but the cold heart truth, and more importantly, the question was, will I be honest with myself and another, about making a true change.  This friend has known me since childhood and she has a gentle spirit about her. Studies show that if you are committed to making a change, having a partner help in that change has overwhelming benefits.  I am taking the challenge to make a small but significant change in one area of my life.  Why isn’t there a network, where this could happen on a broader scale.  We have workout partners, carpooling partners, travel partners, cooking partners, dog walking partner, and such…. What a great opportunity that you and I both have in reaching out to someone, and be concerted on a goal in life, broken into baby steps of this calendar year.  Will you join me in the challenge of making a small but significant change?  I am sure you have someone in your circle that is willing to help you, go ahead and ask the question.  Hopefully you’ll find a friend, just like me, who said yes!