Same channel different frequency….

I suck at blogging. I thought this would be a venue to place my thoughts in writing and then feel grateful and “glad I did that” kind of feeling! Unfortunately life has me twisted in so many different directions that I don’t seem to take enough time to sit and decompress.

I have a new “toy”. In this case it’s a new gadget to help me discover what I am doing well and maybe shed some light from a definitive perspective on what I could do better. Subconsciously I believe I already know the answers but it’s the reaffirmation that I am looking for. My new gadget is an Oura ring. Made in Finland, I already decided it was the right thing to get. Think Nokia, Fiskars, Angry Birds, Sunnto watches and compasses, I mean who needs convincing.

I’ve heard from friends who have the ring the benefits to understanding sleep, activity level, etc. So I decided what the heck, my Apple Watch does cool things but this seemed like a necessary purchase. We’re talking understanding sleep! Now before the ring I thought I was sleeping well but I realized I was not sleeping well.

Is it ever too late to start doing the right thing for yourself? I’d like to think I’m making good decisions but sometimes I just don’t know.

I’m just getting started with this ring. Maybe I’ll be back here again with an update but there is a chance that my next visit here is for a totally different reason. Did I say already I suck with blogging?

It’s been awhile…..

It’s been awhile since I have posted, like 5 years I think. Strange isn’t it? It’s been a whirlwind since then, so many things have changed. Changed within me, what I think and how I think. Not sure that it is about maturity it’s more about just not sure how much I want to put out there about myself and what I have gone through. It’s not like I have a terrible life, quite the contrary. I enjoy where I am today but it’s taken me decades to get here and yet everything is still not perfect. When I started this blog I wanted to be honest in my approach to sharing about what I think. Or what I’m thinking about. Right now is about just reconnecting to an outlet that I can share some thoughts and ideas. I was reading another friends post(s). So free and expressive she was. Can I honestly get there? Oh we’ll see. Are you with me?

Between life and death

I look back and I see that I haven’t posted in awhile. Makes sense, my life crazy busy, and yet sometimes sitting still.

I mourn my mother passing away almost a month ago and I find myself wishing to be in her homeland and not my own. Only recently trying to make sense of it all and then having to take stock of where I am and where I hope to go. So much I have learned about myself only to realize I don’t have much to show for it. My own mistakes looming large and back again to where I have been before.

Life’s regrets and failures loom large in the rear view mirror and life’s challenges staring at me in the face, like a large cinema screen, where do I stand or sit between life and death?

I’m uber sad about my mom. She loved me and I love her with all my heart, even with my many failures she loved me and I knew it. It’s difficult to place into words all those things that were important to talk about and suddenly those times now are silent.

I try to find ways to connect to the homeland and yet it’s so far, distant, difficult to get to. I yearn to live there.

I’m finding it hard to relate to being here and yet wanting to be somewhere else. To find the courage to press forward, to live with purpose and conviction. I know I want to be in the present, still so much to do, but my desires are changing.

Maybe the future is still bright but one of my stars has burned out.

Enjoy life with purpose

I’ve been really busy for the last several months and today I felt I actually had time for myself. I haven’t felt that way since February. I have usually been able to balance life and work pretty well but the external pressures that constantly surround me have been a persistent burden during the recent short term.

I have considered that this too will pass and I am usually a very positive person though I have found myself face to face with significant challenges both to me personally and professionally. I found someone that I felt I was compatible with only to learn they were not compatible with me, perhaps it was the brief discussion of taking the relationship to the next level, or the sacrifices I was willing to take or make. It was a crushing blow to learn that these kind of relationships still dissolve in an instant via text, and as I searched my soul for a reason, I realized it wasn’t about me, as much as I blamed myself, I stood firm that “I’m a great catch!” Of course that is a bias on my end.

These work obstacles continued to grow exponentially,and situations seemed out of my control, have you felt that way? I realized again today, with the unique birth of life, in the new fawns, that life is precious. That my future is bright, and there will be someone on my side, by my side and at some point the stars will align.

My work opportunities are still before me, and I’m glad for the brief respite that I have enjoyed today. It’s renewed my hope in myself and my future forward. I know my future is bright and there is much to accomplish.

The momentary focus on something other than my circumstances allowed me to refocus on what is important. I am grateful for the few moments today of new birth and life.

And how was your day? 🙂

My life changed today

Who knew that a simple accident would cause such profound consequences and just 4 days ago I thought it was just a simple problem. Yep it was then that I fell, slipped in the mud, heard a snap, cried out in pain, and limped back up to a supposed “sprained ankle”. After returning to my hometown, after 3 long days of international travel, I realized today that my bone was broken.

Now it was not excruciating pain 4 days ago, it was an inconvenience. I hobbled around, packed my bags, rumbled through airports, arose early, went to bed late and finally returned home this AM and I knew what I needed to do first.

To get my ankle checked out. Since I was a hobbler, I needed to know the truth, to be set free, sorta.

The “snap” was bugging me, and I thought many times that was just a twig, my pants, anything but that “crack” sound in my brain. So here I sit, temp cast place, waiting for the next update and maybe stronger cast. I have lots to think about.

Driving, eating, cooking, sleeping, bathroom breaks, work, travel or not, dressing up, or down. Now I’m a bit tired trying to adjust to this time zone and get back to normal, but that seems so far off now.

Walk a mile in my shoes…

These aren’t my shoes but I came across them today while in a wilderness area. I was reminded about the phrase “walk a mile in my shoes”…. usually shared when talking about the troubles in one’s life. I think I’m fortunate though. My troubles relatively simple compared to other folks. 

These shoes made me wonder about the owner and thier life’s journey. Almost intriguing, I had to knock on the door to make sure I wasn’t disturbing  the owner. Where had these shoes traveled? Appearing almost taped up to survive the trail of life. That is what caught my attention. 

Having just witnessed an epic election in the USA, what is the trail that is before us? Honestly I don’t have any fear or hesitation. Why should I? If someone wants to know how I feel, they should “walk a mile in my shoes”.

Tranquillity…why we all need it.

Like most people I find myself busy all the time. Busy for work, busy with friends, stuck in front of a computer or TV. Nothing beats sitting still in the outdoors. This location is not exactly nature but in a country of 100’s of thousands of lakes, it’s pretty close. 

My father often spoke of just walking in the woods thinking and contemplating life. I have heard that often from my relatives too. And so I sit, as I begin my second day in Finland, a beautiful country with a rich and proud heritage. 99 years old as a country. The clouds roll in as it will be overcast today but it doesn’t change the beauty. 

Being at peace is a beautiful thing and having a place where you can be at peace, all the better! I’m happy that I chose Finland again for vacation. This time to spend more time relaxing, enjoying the moments that are far from me. Dipping my toes in the water to just pause and rest, now that is peace. 

Why is it important though, why do we need it? I contend that it resets our core, that being busy is just an excuse to thinking you are productive. But isn’t this what we all say we want. Just a moment please, I need to rest, I need time for myself, I need you here with me.  

Already I miss those I love. I want them here with me but for now, I’ll take what I can get in this moment. The gentle breeze against my skin, the occasional pop of the water from a fish taking a breath, the song and chirp of a bird.

This is what I have been wanting, and my soul is receptive. Don’t you deserve that too? Is life so busy you don’t take time to smell the roses? Take the time now, before they are placed above you and you won’t be able to appreciate them. Balance in life and work is so important. I have neglected that for many years and it came at a huge price of loss. Loss of family. Loss of love. Loss of peace. Loss of tangible things but those are replaceable. Unfortunately the loss of time is not. 

Find your tranquillity, you will be glad that you did. 

Trapped in PC

I am passing through Denver and saw this sign for beef jerky in the airport. I thought surely someone will be offended by the name of that.  It kinda goes along with my trapped feelings. 

PC, or politically correct, is how we function mostly these days. Not wanting to offend anyone with our words and actions yet we are offered “Freedom of Speech”.  Our world is becoming too complex on the fine line between right and wrong, black and white, strait or gay, and yet within those boundaries,  shades of grey creep in. 

How did we get here? I think technology has played a major role in this. Instant updates in the news. Seeing violence live, videoed by someone. 

 I do some public speaking for my job and I enjoy it but I find myself having to couch thoughts and phrases differently than I did 20 years ago. Who is my audience, what’s the right message, what do I want them going home with?  I find it more difficult now especially with the recent police officer killings in Dallas that there is an under current. 

The under current being the debate about Black Lives Matter and All Lives Matter, debacle. The racial injustices are just that, injustices. It can be injustice in any direction, white, black, gay, rich, poor. Discussions and feelings are at an all time high on the message boards. 

Unfortunately the focus just seems to be about Black Lives Matter  and that’s where my trapped feelings lay. We’re no longer free to share our opinions. If you speak out against Black Lives Matter, then you are labeled a racist. If you don’t hit “like” and “share” you obviously don’t understand what’s a stake. And if you are not black then you definitely  have not witnessed racism or injustice. I get it, I don’t have to be black to understand this. But this isn’t just about one race. That’s my point!

President Obama shared today from Warsaw that he wants to have a committee to have open dialogue and how to address change. The problem is open dialogue is being drowned out in the debate of being politically correct. 

Real change doesn’t take place without real honesty and difficult words and dialogue and discussion and compromise. All factors of which are being lost in today’s society sadly. 

I find myself avoiding conversations and posts because of how I will be perceived for sharing an opinion that may not even be mine, yet I will suffer the consequences. Persecution has existed since the beginning of time, and will last until the end. I’m not sure how to untrap myself.  Maybe I’ll just eat some Climax Jerky and move on. 

The battle within

These stones were used for grinding grain into flour a hundred or more years ago in Scandinavia. I think of these wheels that keep on turning, ’round n’round…..

It’s those wheels, symbolic of what’s inside of me that keeps turning and churning and I wonder when it’s going to stop. The seeds of disappointment, the grains of “I’m not good enough”, how do I measure my worth?  Am I important to you? The self doubt that I don’t share with anyone because doing so, exposes my flaws and weaknesses. 

The battle within continues, it’s more difficult when there is someone within reach, worth reaching out to, only to have the battle in the way…. Maybe I am alone in this war of worth and self worth but my logic says I am not alone. 

My faith keeps me grounded, but I share this with you only to say that I am human, and I deal with these emotions often, that with faith I wonder how I would survive if I didn’t have it. 

How about you my long lost friend? Do you have a battle within that you struggle with? Is it love? Self worth? Addiction? 

I think I am on the cusp of something big, though the fog is keeping it all unclear….I’ll keep fighting because I don’t like or want the alternative, it is the only way I know. I’m just keeping it real with you. 

Why live music matters

I just enjoy listening to live music in person, is that you too?  I listen to the radio all the time, but live just brings music to another level. The unscripted, unplanned, impromptu jam sessions that often play out on professional and amateur stages just inspire me.  Like right at this moment I am witnessing a group of friends who have a band in New Jersey and it’s just been so refreshing sitting here listening to them play. Drums, guitars, bass, two vocals, flute and a variety of voices…..hey every band started in a room like this, retakes, re-do’s, stops, starts, and enjoying the moment and the memories. How is great is that?