Tag Archives: relationships

Hope Eternal

What makes us search for that true love? What is it in our soul that yearns for a life partner? I know that God’s love for me is eternal, and His presence is real in my life, but I am still searching. On a recent trip I realized that my search continues. I didn’t have a mission in mind but I was looking for answers and they came about in the most unusual of ways. Unusual in that with how the time was spent for me, asking a lot of questions, not directly, but indirectly. It was as if the Spirit was directing my steps and it wasn’t obvious to me at the start but certainly became clear in the end. How grateful I am to know the truth and how the truth has set me free.

I try to be more sensitive to the Spirit in relation to what I do, and I feel I have more work to be done. I have not reached my destination but I am on my way….

Charting a new direction

New chapter or new book

I viewed a Facebook picture that essentially read “sometimes you just need to close the book rather than keep reading the pages.”

How many times am I going to start a new chapter in a book that I should just close and move on to a new book. It’s a concept that I am acting upon rather than waiting to see what happens next or what the next chapter will be.

This book represents my life and the journey that I am on, with all it’s interesting twists and turns not always easy. Relationships require work, some more than others, and the choices I make then place that relationship on a scale, if you will. The more I invest, the more return that I expect.

Is that fair though? I contend that this is actually a mutual decision not always revealed or discussed and therefore it’s easy to be misdirected or even unintentionally hurt.

I’m certainly not a master with relationships, and certainly not insightful, but I have had many experiences that I have tried to learn from.

My new direction, my new book, my life walk, has new purpose. I learned some principles recently that really caused me to think about what do I need to change about myself. What new choices, decisions do I need make moving forward? I have been glancing back at what was, wondering whether a particular situation still had hope. I have decided that I needed to fully close that book and stop writing new chapters or have hope and anticipation while seeing that many attributes had not changed. This was a decision that didn’t come under duress but rather “why did it take so long for me to come to this decision ?”

I’m a hopeful person, taking Jeremiah 29:11, kind of hope to heart. So with a new hope of something better to come, I have excitement that is growing that my future is bright with much to anticipate.

I’m not able to adequately examine the lives around me. I have too much to focus on my life and I recognize that I need to make some practical changes, life changes, mind and physical changes. Spiritual changes too.

So this is why that I have shared these thoughts. Recognizing that I have been reading in the same book too long, re-reading pages of my past, writing new chapters without fully considering the time that is being absorbed and being wasted on a wish, not even including a practical prayer. Hopefully these thoughts have helped you examine where you are too.

It’s time for me to come back to earth and refocus on what is before me, not behind me.

Taking more time



I have determined to no longer be in a rush. As a traveler I usually zip from one location to another but I am working to change my life long habit of just racing from one point to another. It’s the little important things that are in the middle that I am trying to deal with, to stop and smell the roses sort of thing.

With life so busy and technology so instant, it’s easy to see why life speeds by. To understand why we want fast cars, faster internet, fast food, and everything else that is fast in between.

I wanted to slow down a bit today. It doesn’t mean that I am less regimented in the things I do, though that needs to be looked at too, but I am recognizing the soft still moments content in my times of being single.

Nature photography has been on the upswing for me. The ocean was good too. I took a walk down memory lane for me, and wow, what memories! From 30 years ago, visiting places, reuniting with friends I had not seen in a while.

I reflect on those good times and was happy to see some ling time friends in the process. As I continue to travel, I will continue to work on my need for speed and take it a bit slower.

It’s really over- when to stay, when to move on

I didn’t think that I would feel this way. I wrote yesterday about seeing goodbye in her eyes….. It wasn’t that I saw them, it was more about what I felt in my heart. To say I am at peace isn’t completely the case but it’s pretty close. To say that I am satisfied, I’m not, but I have accepted the situation enough to move forward. This alone is a tremendous step for me. Almost a milestone accomplishment.

When to stay or when to move on, is an issue of the heart and mind and both need to be of the same accord. It took a long time for my heart to catch up to my mind. All the questions of why me? How could it happen? What didn’t i do right? Only to realize, it wasn’t just me.

I share in the blame for sure, my own wrongs, failures, disappointments. But for her to fail to acknowledge her part, is unacceptable. It truly is time to move forward, with hope and a future before me. What next is before me and I will find the one who truly loves me the way that I should be loved.

“Goodbye in Her eyes”

Her eyes, his eyes, does it matter whose eyes?  Haven’t we all been here before, when someone we have loved or lusted after has decided to move on.  I have found myself here on more than one occasion, and every time, I have learned something new. Something new about me, or the other person. This song in particular, performed by Zac Brown Band is on my iTunes, and besides the words, the harmony is so on tune. I however don’t play it over and over again, just for the tune, but for the message.

“Sometimes I feel  like a clown- Who can’t wash off his makeup”…

………”Oh, but like the tide her love has come and gone
And it’s time for me to go.”

There is so much in this song that I can totally relate to.  That is the power of music, how it relates to the needs  of so many people and shares the truths we all face.  This song has spoken to me in many ways and I think it’s different for each individual, for we have our own story to tell.  As I reflect back on my journey, this song helped prepare me for that day in more ways than one.

Have you heard the song?  Here are the lyrics…

“Goodbye In Her Eyes” sung by Zac Brown Band, from the album Uncaged


I could tell that it was over
When her lips met mine
It was an emptiness in her voice
Hesitation when she smiled
She didn’t have to say a word
It was just so plain to see
She had found what she’d been looking for
And I knew it wasn’t me

I saw goodbye in her eyes
I don’t think I can change it
There’s no way to disguise
We will never make it

Sometimes I feel like a clown
Who can’t wash off his make-up
The life she wanted ‒ it was gone
Prince Charming ‒ I wasn’t
But I would trade a thousand Babylons
To be in her arms tomorrow
Oh, but like the tide her love has come and gone
And it’s time for me to go

I saw goodbye in her eyes
I don’t think I can change it
There’s no way to disguise
We will never make it

Now she sees right through me

Should I hold on to what we’ve got
Is it just a waste of time?
One thing that I know for sure
I saw goodbye in her eyes

I saw goodbye in her eyes

I know you got somebody new now
All my candles have burned out
He’s gonna love the way you shine
So did I
So don’t smile at me it ain’t what you mean

With that goodbye in your eyes
I know that I can’t change it (now you see right through me)
There’s no way to disguise
We will never make it

I saw goodbye in your eyes
I know that I can’t change it (now you see right through me, goodbye in your eyes!)
Should I hold on
We will never make it (now you see right through me, goodbye in your eyes!)

Should I hold on
Is it just a waste of time?
One thing that I know for sure
I saw goodbye in your eyes
I saw goodbye in your eyes
I know that it’s over

70 times 7

Isn’t that a number related to a parable of how often you should
forgive someone for a wrong held or done against you? I’m no bible expert but I feel like I am becoming an expert on relationships. Not because I have had many but the few that I have concentrated on lately really seem to push my own development into becoming a better person. Forgiveness isn’t to let someone else feel better it’s more about me, how I feel, how to let go of hurt and bitterness.

In speaking to a total stranger yesterday, they offered how much better life is to let go of hurt and pain. Why is it that we grasp hold of such things? Why do we want to hold on to pain rather than living life fully to our own capacity?

Like I said, I’m no expert but I learned a valuable lesson the other day. The quicker I release my struggle and frustration to God, the more stress free my life becomes. And actually within 24 hours the issue had a break through. How great is God to do that for me! I’m not a bible thumper, but I do understand God’s grace.

My heart vs. my brain

I struggle with keeping my brain from following my heart. Is that the case with you too?  The reason I struggle is that the pull on my heart strings is so strong, and yet the logical side of my brain resists the temptation to move forward, or tag along, with my heart.  What is it about our brain that allows this struggle?  I have been dealing with a heart issue for several months, trying to evaluate the “what is best” for the future direction, versus dealing with the past and the history of what was, and what is reality. Do the two co-exist, or should one take the lead, and perhaps ownership of what is to come?

I struggle like with past hurts, hangups, issues, pain, rejection, anger, sadness. My heart says there is hope, a future, goodness, peace, love, acceptance, while acknowledging the potential for hurt and sadness.  I don’t have the answer, and I’m not sure that I am looking for one at the moment. I just wanted to share my struggle because I feel I am not the only one who is dealing with this, right now.

Dating Sucks!

That’s exactly what she said as we were sipping on beers at a recent “meet-up” at one of my favorite local pubs.  It was a sentiment that rang true for many around us. Of course the standard….”be yourself”….”don’t set any expectations”….”meet in public”… were all opinionated as truth.

It was a fun discussion. I stood up, and she said that her “date” would be two inches taller than me, and the tallest man she has dated. We all wished her well, and I have not yet seen her to ask her how it went.  Her thought though resonated with me a bit more than I expected.  Why is dating “suckish” and why do so many of us search out for that one true love on-line so quickly?

I have been participating in these “meet-ups” for some time and unofficially, its evaluating in person.  I have tried the plethora of dating sites, only to find out in person that the woman was not exactly as she appeared online.. To be honest, I have veered from some “indicators” of mine as well.  My question though still remains, why does this process have to be so crazy?  I don’t have the answer really, but I have enjoyed meeting plenty of people during these informal gatherings, celebrating a slice of life that many enjoy.

The “meet-ups” I have enjoyed have revolved around; happy hour, trivia, movies, theatre, food, craft beer, breweries, and soon hiking and biking.  All great locations to meet individuals in the flesh.  For the time being, I think I am taking a break from the “dating” side of life, and enjoying the moments, a little bit more. This way, I don’t have to worry if dating sucks.

I’m on a mission…..

I’m on a mission. It’s not top-secret, I’m not in the military, I’m not in law enforcement, and I’m not paid to investigate. I am though, still on a mission to find a spiritual place to call home.

I thought that I had found a home but as I was experiencing my deepest pain and darkest time it seemed the people were too busy for me. They knew of my plight and they were busy with their own priorities. I don’t blame them completely, but I am hurt. Hurt that more didn’t reach out, call back, send an email or a card. I slumped into a dark place not because of this experience but because of my own.

I have been here before but I recognize that this isn’t God’s doing, or lack there of. This isn’t God’s fault, and I become sad when others try to blame God for things He doesn’t do. The reminder should be is that we are human and we do human things including failing each other.  I could have reached  out better in the midst of my personal storm. I slid into a funk and stayed there for several months.

So in the last several months I have started to search again. Visiting different and diverse places of worship. I have re-visited my former place and while I knew several folks, and they have moved into a new building, I haven’t really reconnected. I am trying to determine if I should just move on and search for something new.  I was sad on Sunday because it’s was a birthday of a step-daughter, and I have no recourse to reach out. Cut off, because of all that happened. She doesn’t know the whole truth and it’s probably not a good time for her to know that, perhaps never a good time for that, but that didn’t help my sadness.

So here, in the midst of my mission, I reflect on what didn’t work right while trying to find the place that is right for me. My mission continues!

Lost Keys

Last night I was participating in a Mardi Gras Pub Crawl, an activity that has you bar-hopping with a group of friends.  It was Mardi Gras celebration, at least the best kind you can have in Denver, CO.  Of course the festivities circled around having beer, beads, and a merry time.

After the 4th establishment, and walking around in 20 degree weather, I decided it was time to head home. I searched my pockets and my jacket only to determine that I had lost my car keys. Despair had fallen upon me, as this had never happened to me in my memory, and I was just shy of freaking out.  Being the calm, cool, collected guy that I am, I set out on a mission. Before I left on my search I had confirmed with a friend that I may need their help to return home though I was not sure what good that was since I had no keys to enter the home, and was not sure what the garage code was.

I retraced my every step, including the steps in between, to those pit stop areas.  My first 3 stops, though not in the order that I visited them, all came up short, but the 4th stop held success!  MY keys, in all their glory, were to be found.

I quickly realized how stupid I had been in not checking before moving on, arguing with myself on why I had my whole set of keys and why didn’t I just left them in the car and carried my spare. I continued on my self bashing on all the silly reasons this had come to pass in the first place. I of course let my friend know that they no longer needed to wait for me, as I had recovered my keys.

I had been in a series of karma related snafus recently and I just thought that this was part of that punishment for what I had done, or what I was doing, and fully deserved my punishment.

As I reflected today, the day after, on this bizarre experience, I could easily relate my lost keys to other elements in my past relationship as points to ponder for self-reflection. That is, when I think I have lost something valuable, I retraced my steps to determine where did I go wrong, and what can I do to recover.  I’m trying to explain it  better, but just suffice to say, that I have experienced a “lost keys” feeling in my past relationship.

I have been doing more reflecting as of late to determine what actions, or in-actions, I do, and how does that relate to intimacy in relationships.  What actions, or behaviors “keys” have I done, and what were the results of those actions.  This probably doesn’t relate to you at all, but as I was thinking today, I have been in plenty of situations, where my actions, or those of my lover, sent me into a spiral of despair, trying to figure out, where did it all go wrong, and I set about to retrace my steps.

My search in what I did, and how I did it, helped to pinpoint what the issue was/ is.  Sometimes those keys were right on the counter, or right on the tip of my tongue, and so I found them quickly, other times the search was more detailed, more deliberate in discovering the truth, and those often took time to get everything back on track.  Am I making sense here??  I see now that some of the experiences I have had relate much in the same way of how I felt last night.

Wondering where my keys were, wondering if I would find them, wondering if I had to start all over, or when I found them, was it okay to start where I left off??  I’m actually in that process now.  Having lost my keys, and then found them, and wondering if I can just pick up from where I left off.

Relationships are not that simple, at least not in my situation.  I find that I don’t want to start back, where I left off, or where it all ended. I find myself wanting something new, or having a new set a keys that  I know will work, cut from new steel, shaped in a new way, maybe the material is stronger, lighter, more true.  Losing my keys certainly put me on an adventure, to find the truth, to discover where I left them, and what would I be doing differently once I found them.  Those were the thoughts I had today.  It was great to find the keys, but as I relate it to relationships, some keys are just not worth keeping. Some I just need to throw away, and find a new key, to open a new door, a new lock, and let me pass through.  It was somewhat like a new revelation had been upon me.

Yes, it’s good to hang on the keys  you need, but sometimes you just need to lose the keys that you have, so that you can change direction, with a new set of keys.  The more I thought about that today, the more I just wanted to throw my keys away!